Audio

When someone you love is struggling, you  likely want to help them feel better. It’s natural to want to “fix” things, which can lead us to giving advice more than listening. While this is understandable, it isn’t always productive. 

Focusing on solutions can make it hard to focus on listening. This can inevitably lead to people feeling unheard, and for good reason. 

Unfortunately, this is generally the opposite of what we want. We want our loved one to feel better, so we try to find a solution that will get them there. They want to be heard and validated. Solutions don’t generally lead to validation, but they can lead to solution resistant. 

What is Solution Resistance?

You might be familiar with being solution resistant, though you may not be familiar with it in this context. When you are in distress and a bunch of solutions are being thrown at you, it can feel overwhelming. When we are overwhelmed, nothing will work. Welcome to being solution resistant. 

This is an understandable place to be when we aren’t feeling heard. Without validation we can feel like our concerns are being minimized. This will likely leave you feeling like you have to prove your point, digging in even deeper to explain why you have a right to feel hurt, sad, anxious, frustrated, angry, or disrespected.

A great example of this is if you tell someone you’re feeling sad and they say “it could be a lot worse.” This will likely result in you digging in and explaining why things are a whole lot worse than they understand, clearly! And the cycle continues. 

Why is Solution Resistance So Frustrating?

Being stuck in a place of solution resistance is frustrating for everyone involved. It is frustrating for the person providing support, as you may feel like you’re giving the best advice and really guiding your loved one in the right direction. If you are in a place of solution resistance and everyone is throwing solutions at you, it’s likely you feel like no one is listening to you. 

Either way you slice it, everyone is feeling unheard, and that’s frustrating. It can be frustrating to hear someone complain and not take action. It can be frustrating to know you need to take action but feel that you can’t. This cycle of frustration and resistance can be difficult to break. 

While it can be difficult to break this cycle, it isn’t impossible. Validation can make a world of difference in moving forward. 

The Power of Validation

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it one thousand times. Validation DOES NOT equal agreement. When you validate others, or even yourself, you aren’t necessarily saying you agree with them. 

If we keep going with the example of feeling sad, you don’t have to tell someone they should not feel sad and you don’t have to agree they should feel that way either. When you validate them you are saying you see them and you hear them. Simple statements like “you seem really sad, tell me about it” or “it’s hard to feel sad, I’m sorry you’re going through this.”

When we validate, magical things can start to happen, like people start to move toward change. Once feelings have been validated it’s easier to consider solutions. 

To Sum It Up

Solution resistance can be frustrating for everyone. It can create a cycle that keeps you stuck and feeling like you can’t move forward. 

If you are someone with a loved one who’s stuck, validation can make a world of difference. If you are feeling stuck, validating your feelings and experience can help. When we are feeling validated it’s easier to move through and come out stronger on the other side. 

Providing support to someone who is in a place of solution resistance is hard. Feeling solution resistant is hard. Choose your hard, my fellow humans. And don’t forget, therapy can help.

Jaime Johnson Fitzpatrick LCMHCS, LCAS is one of the Owners and Vice Presidents of Carolina Counseling Services. She is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor and Licensed Clinical Addictions Specialist in the State of North Carolina as well as a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in State of New York. Jaime is also certified in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and utilizes various other approaches in her practice.