Have you ever wanted to say no, knew you needed to say no, and still said yes? If you’re saying yes now, you aren’t alone. In fact, you are probably in really good company. Every time you say yes to something you don’t want to do, you are actually saying no to yourself. One could argue that you are excellent at saying no, just not to the right person!
The word “no” is so small, yet it can be incredibly difficult to say. Setting boundaries and limits can be really hard– there are countless books, worksheets and strategies aimed to help you do it. It can be challenging to know where to look or how to get started.
While this blog is NOT meant to replace therapy, it can be a good way to start taking inventory of what your boundaries look like so you have an idea of what you’d like to begin working on. Therapy can also help you to address this.
Why Is It So Hard to Set Limits?
As I mentioned before, setting boundaries is not an easy task. There are a lot of things that can get in the way of doing this. Many reasons will be personal and unique to you and others will be shared experiences with others. Here are a few barriers off the top of my head:
Guilt
This is a big one and it’s twofold. You may feel guilty about saying no and setting limits and/or the person you are saying no to may leave you feeling guilty for having boundaries.
Guilt is a complicated emotion, and I sometimes find myself questioning its benefit. Like all things, nothing’s all good or all bad. Guilt is helpful when we are doing something that we believe is morally wrong. It’s a great deterrent from behaving poorly, but if it hangs around too long it morphs into something far uglier: shame. You don’t want guilt to turn to shame. So, what can you do?
Something that can be helpful in combating guilt is to ask yourself if you are doing something morally wrong. I am aware that that is vague and ambiguous–it is supposed to be. Everyone has different values and morals, a skill isn’t helpful if it only applies to a select few. I digress.
Ask yourself if you are doing something morally wrong. If you are, stop doing it. Apologize, make amends, do better. If the answer is no, I would encourage you to do more of that thing until you don’t feel as guilty. Until the positive feelings outweigh the guilt. An easy example of this would be if you are feeling guilty for taking some of your vacation time because you are feeling burned out at work. Is this morally wrong? Of course not! That means you need to take more of your hard earned vacation time to take care of yourself until you don’t feel guilty at all. Self-care is important!
It can also be helpful to explore where your guilt may be coming from. This can be different for everyone. Working with a therapist can be helpful if you want to unpack this with someone.
Guilt can have its benefits, but keeping you from setting healthy boundaries is NOT one of them.
Fear
Not only can it be hard to set limits and say no, it can also be scary. It is natural to experience fear when you are trying something new. The unknown is just that: unknown. Not knowing what to expect can be frightening.
If you are experiencing fear when it comes to boundary setting it can be helpful to identify specifically what is causing that fear. This may not always be easy, and sometimes the help of a counselor may be needed to really uncover the root cause.
You can be fearful of something and do it anyway. In fact, you probably have in the past and I’m here to confirm that you can do it again. Just because you are worried about setting limits does NOT mean you can’t do it. Most of us will experience some fear or nervousness when setting limits and boundaries.
As with guilt, fear is not necessarily a bad thing. Fear is an emotion– that’s it. It can also keep us safe sometimes. If you are experiencing fear due to past or current violent behavior exhibited by the person you are trying to set limits with, that is something else entirely and these suggestions may do more harm than good. Reach out to a professional if that is the case.
Expectations
There are a lot of expectations placed on us by ourselves and others. While we don’t have control over the expectations of other people, we do have control over the expectations we place on ourselves.
Ask yourself what you think about boundaries and what you expect yourself to do about them. Do you expect that you should have healthy boundaries at all times? Do you expect yourself to naturally just know when to say no? Do you expect it should be easy? These are all important questions to ask yourself to get an idea of how you are talking to yourself about boundaries.
My guess is you aren’t talking to yourself in a productive way. We often think that negative self-talk will motivate us to make changes. I mean come on, who isn’t motivated by someone asking them why they are such an idiot and can’t just say no? I’m sure you get where I’m going here.
Unrealistic expectations and negative self-talk never helped anyone, yet we still rely heavily on them. I know this, I feel it in my bones, and I still talk a whole lot of junk to myself from time to time in the hopes of motivating myself. It doesn’t work for me and I’m pretty sure it doesn’t work for you either.
Another layer of expectation that can get in your way when setting boundaries is how you expect yourself to be in certain relationships. For example, growing up, the expectation is that you listen to your parents. Being an adult and wanting to set boundaries or limits with your parents can strongly oppose that dynamic, and will push against those expectations. Setting boundaries with parents can be a challenge, and unreasonable expectations will not make it easier.
If expectations are getting in your way, it can be helpful to look at your thought processes. What are your beliefs related to boundaries that you are trying to set? It’s likely you will need to challenge these beliefs to make change. The use of affirmations or replacement phrases could assist in reframing thinking that isn’t working for you. Do a little search and see what types of affirmations speak to you. Therapy, more specifically cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can also be effective in helping with this.
Not Knowing What to Say
This is a biggie! How are you supposed to set limits and boundaries if you don’t know what to say? This is a very common concern.
There are a lot of ways to communicate your wants and needs, and there aren’t always appropriate cookie cutter responses. Every person is different and so is every situation. You will want to choose a communication style that works for you. You are practicing something new, you don’t also want to feel like you also have to become a completely different person. That can be a recipe for disaster.
In some situations you may not even have to say something to set a limit or boundary, you could simply model the change you would like to see. Let’s say you have a friend who frequently calls you late at night. You may not want to talk on the phone after 9PM.
This could be addressed directly by saying something along the lines of “I don’t like talking on the phone past 9PM so please call me before then if you’d like to talk”. This may work really well in some situations, it may be like pouring gasoline on a fire in others.
You could model this boundary through your actions by not answering your phone past 9PM and then calling your friend the next day at a more reasonable time for the both of you. If you model this consistently through your behavior it may work even better than an actual discussion.
Where to Start
Start with small, digestible limits. Beginning with the most pressing, emotionally loaded boundary you’d like to set will likely not go well. Pick something small you would like to set a boundary with. If we stick with the late night caller example, try not answering your phone past 9PM once. The goal is to do it once and then reassess. See how it makes you feel. If it feels better, try it again and continue to assess what you’d like to do.
Use your experience as the measuring tool, not the other person’s reaction. Being told no is not usually an enjoyable experience for most people. It is likely that when you start setting limits others will push against them, perhaps even more than they ever have. That does NOT mean you are doing it wrong. In fact, it could be an indicator that you are doing it right.
To Sum It Up
Every time you say yes to something you don’t want to do you are saying no to yourself. One could argue that you are excellent at saying no, just not to the right person.
If you want to set better boundaries and limits for yourself, you can. Take a look at what you’d like to set limits with and start small. Begin saying no and setting boundaries in a way that is comfortable for you. It is possible to push through the discomfort that may arise in a safe way.
It can be hard to say no. It can be hard to say yes. Choose your hard, my fellow humans. And don’t forget, therapy can help.
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