You can’t control other people, no matter how hard you try. While you may know this to be true, I bet you still try to do it. I certainly do and clearly I know I can’t.
We can often feel responsible for the actions of others, especially when they are directed toward us or impact us negatively. There can be added layers of complications when it comes to little ones– surely we are responsible for their behaviors? In this post I am not referring to legal responsibilities, but rather accountability and/or causation. Trust me when I say, you cannot control others and are not responsible for their actions.
So one may ask, if I’m not responsible why oh why do I feel it in my bones that I am????
Let’s unpack three reasons that may be at play. This list is in no way complete and may not apply to you at all. Your own motivations and reasons for feeling certain ways are uniquely your own and only you can decide that. While you are the final judge of your experience, counseling can help if you’re feeling stuck.
A False Sense of Control
Don’t know about you, but I REALLY don’t like feeling out of control. Feeling like you can’t control important things in your life can be scary and unnerving. It’s natural to want to feel a sense of control. This may lead us to pursue the feeling of control in unhealthy ways.
If we assume responsibility for bad behaviors we can convince ourselves that we can prevent those behaviors from happening again in the future. If it is your fault that a friend isn’t there when you need them then you can change. If you change your behavior then they will be there for you. You don’t have to take a look at whether they are a good friend, you don’t have to decide whether you should remain friends with them, and you certainly don’t have to accept that they simply can’t give you what you deserve in a friendship.
By assuming responsibility and taking accountability for someone else’s bad behavior, we simply change our behavior, we remain in the driver’s seat, we are in control, we have a plan to fix it. But do we? (Spoiler Alert: we do not.)
This type of thinking and behavior can leave you feeling like a hamster in a wheel. Maybe you try saying things differently, reacting differently, you name it. Oftentimes in these situations we try many different approaches and we end up with the same results.
If this sounds familiar to you, you may be assuming responsibility for the behavior of others because you want to feel in control. Rest assured, you are in good company. But you also can choose a different way to deal with this.
How Do You Let Go of a False Sense of Control?
Wanting to feel in control is not abnormal. However, if you continue to do this you aren’t going to get what you want. In fact, you will likely continue in an unhealthy cycle and continue to feel worse and worse. Trying over and over to do something unsuccessfully can result in feelings of failure, which may feel even worse than feeling out of control.
Try working on radical acceptance. People can change, of course, but only if they want to. Setting boundaries with those that “behave badly” will not only help you to feel more in control, it can also create consequences for those that may need to take a look at their own unhealthy behaviors.
Let’s continue with the example of the friend that is nowhere to be found when you need them, yet you continue to show up for them. You can work on accepting them for who they are, recognizing that perhaps they are not the person you turn to when you are in need. They are letting you know that they will not be there for you with their actions, so pay attention to that. Reaching out to those that can provide healthy support will likely leave you feeling supported, not in need of support AND disappointed.
If someone cannot provide the support you need that does not mean there is something wrong with you. It does not mean that you don’t deserve that kind of support. It also doesn’t mean there is something wrong with your friend. It simply means they cannot give you what you need at that moment. Stop going to taco joints and getting upset that you can’t get a burger. They simply don’t have the ingredients.
The Behavior is Upsetting
If the behaviors of others are upsetting, we may want to assume responsibility to stop them from happening. I’m talking about those that trigger us or even those that may be abusive in one way or another. Abuse is never warranted or acceptable. If you feel that you are in an abusive situation it is important that you take steps to remain safe.*
We all have soft spots, things that trigger negative feelings in relationships. It may be certain words, phrases or behaviors. For example, it may be difficult for you when someone raises their voice or yells. If your partner gets loud when they are upset it may be difficult for you to engage with them. You may find yourself shutting down, escalating the situation, or somewhere in between. If this is you, you’re not alone. Most people have a hard time communicating effectively or engaging with someone who is yelling or getting loud.
This is a situation where it can be easy to fall into assuming responsibility for the behaviors of someone else. You may try to approach situations differently in hopes that they will maintain some sort of volume control. This can be a slippery slope, because you cannot change their behaviors for them. If they are struggling with their own volume control there is absolutely no way you can regulate this for them.
The only behavior we can control is our own. That can be liberating but also frightening , especially if you are facing behaviors that are upsetting.
How Do You Move Forward?
If this sounds familiar to you, there are a lot of things you can do. You don’t have to leave a healthy relationship if the other person behaves in ways you don’t like. You may, however, need to stop assuming responsibility for their behaviors and do something about it.
I realize it’s far easier said than done, but stop changing your behaviors and communicate about what is going on. Again, this does not apply to abusive situations where you may not feel safe.
If your partner gets loud when they are upset you can choose to talk to them about this. Let them know how it feels for you when this happens. You may want to set a boundary where if they begin to get loud, you remove yourself from the situation. You agree to discuss later once both of you have had time to take a breath and regulate your emotions.
It can be helpful to have these conversations sooner rather than later. Many times we wait to have difficult conversations until things begin to boil over. No one hears things clearly when they are emotionally escalated. Have these conversations when you are both in a place to hear each other.
In some situations others may not know how their behaviors affect those around them if no one has ever let them know. These discussions can be difficult, however, when they happen they can strengthen your relationship. This is also A LOT more effective than assuming responsibility for something you have literally no control over. You can’t control other people’s behaviors, no matter how much they upset you or how much you want them to stop.
Negative Self-Talk
This is a biggie, and something you will read about a lot from me. How we talk to ourselves and the way we view ourselves plays a huge role in most of the things we do. It can be expected to rear its ugly head when it comes to accountability. If you tell yourself that everything is your fault, of course the behaviors of others are too.
We all have our off days, days that we may speak to ourselves in ways we wouldn’t even direct toward our worst enemies. I’d love to simply tell you to stop it and have that be enough, but we all know it’s not that easy.
If you generally hold yourself in low regard and a stranger screams at you, you may be quick to assume responsibility for their behavior. We can rack our brains asking what we may have done when in reality their behavior has absolutely nothing to do with us.
The way others treat us is rarely about us. Especially when it’s someone we have no real relationship with, like in this example.
We can learn from every interaction. Perhaps we behaved in a way we didn’t like and can learn from that. Regardless of what we may have done, it doesn’t give others the right to treat us poorly. It also isn’t something we can dwell on. What is done is done, and all we can do is learn and move forward.
When we take a hard look at our self-talk and start working on speaking to ourselves in a more realistic, healthy way we are less likely to accept responsibility for others. Especially their garbage.
So What Can You Do?
If the way you view yourself leaves you taking responsibility for others’ bad behaviors you can take steps to fix this. Knowing that your self-talk is a problem is a great first step in and of itself. It isn’t a place to stop but it’s a great place to start.
Thought stopping can be a simple skill to implement. When you notice yourself saying negative things to yourself you simply say “stop” outloud or to yourself. I wouldn’t recommend yelling it in a grocery store but if that’s empowering for you, go for it!
This skill starts to teach you to be uncomfortable with negative self-talk. I’m not suggesting that you are comfortable with talking this way to yourself, but if it’s something you’ve always done your brain is used to it. Thought stopping starts to make you question this type of thinking rather than running with it. You may need to say stop many times in a row. That is to be expected, it means you are on the right track.
Using affirmations or phrases to replace those thoughts can be really helpful too. You can find endless lists of affirmations with an online search. Find one that speaks to you. Don’t try to use one that sounds ridiculous to you, it won’t work. You want the statement to challenge your negative thoughts but not make you roll your eyes.
For example, if I tried “I am a magnificent being,” I’d never stop laughing, but “I am enough” has gotten me through some stuff. Find what works for you and work it.
To Sum It Up
If you find yourself taking responsibility for others you aren’t alone. But you can choose to stop taking accountability for things that have nothing to do with you.
While this can be a tall order, figuring out what drives you to do this can be a great first step. You may want to feel in control, you may want to stop upsetting things from happening, you may tell yourself that everything is your fault and assume this is too.
Regardless of what is driving you, you can stop taking on things that are not your own. We spend a lot of time trying to control the things we have no control over leaving no energy to control what we can… ourselves. Focus your energy in the right places. You cannot control anyone but yourself. Your behaviors are the only actions you can improve.
It can be hard to let go. It can be hard to take control. Choose your hard, my fellow humans. And don’t forget, therapy can help.
*If you are in crisis you can call 988 or 1-800-273-TALK (8255) to talk with a trained counselor. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
PO BOX 9909 Fayetteville, NC 28311