It seems that there is always more to do. Even on our most productive days, we can find ourselves thinking of all the things we “should” have done, all that is left to do, and perhaps even believing that we aren’t doing enough.
I’ve said it before (and I will certainly say it again): these days we tend to wear our overwhelm like a badge of honor. We often find ourselves evaluating how much we are doing compared to others, always striving to do the most, and to be the most exhausted. As if that is a medal you would want to win?
The Exhaustion Olympics
There has yet to be an Olympic competition for exhaustion, though I have definitely heard too many conversations going something like this:
Person 1: “I’m so tired, I was up until midnight trying to get things done.”
Person 2: “Oh you think you’re tired, I’ve barely been sleeping, work has been so busy!”
Person 3: “I have you all beat, I have a newborn at home. I don’t even remember what sleep is!”
When did this become a competition to win? Since when does the glory go to the person who is the most exhausted and overwhelmed? At some point we need to break this cycle and place the glory on those striving toward wellness. This is not to say that you are only “doing it right” if you sleep 8 hours a night and practice self-care everyday without fail. That isn’t always accessible to us.
Where the change can happen is in how we approach the overwhelm. We can choose what to celebrate and what to challenge as unhealthy. That is where growth can happen. It can begin with believing that we are doing enough. Perhaps going even a step further and working toward the belief that WE are enough.
How To Unsubscribe
Unfortunately, many of us have subscribed to this type of thinking for MANY years. It can feel nearly impossible to unsubscribe from it and find a healthier way to think about your to-do list. There are particular complications for those who are running their household. If you carry the majority of the mental load for your home and/or family, it may be even harder to begin to make changes.
While it may be more difficult for some, this also isn’t a competition. Change is difficult and oftentimes scary, even when the change is for the better. We are often raised to strive for more and more, terrified of what may happen if we don’t have anything left to work toward. This is not at all what I am suggesting.
For many, this idea of “not doing enough” comes from a good place. Somewhere along the way we got the idea that this type of thinking will motivate us to do more. In reality, it often does the opposite. If your to-do list is never ending, it’s more likely you will feel defeated and want to go back to bed, pulling the covers over your head. I know that’s what I want to do. It certainly doesn’t make me want to get out there and start accomplishing things.
There are a number of things we can do to try to combat the idea that we aren’t doing enough. These are a few suggestions that may work for you:
1. Making an Already Done List
Ideally we want to change the way we are thinking about ourselves and what we are doing. This can be really difficult to put into practice. A great exercise to immediately combat the idea that you aren’t “doing enough” is to do what I like to call an “already done list”.
When using this exercise I ask my clients to pick a day and at the end of it, make a list of EVERYTHING you did. When I say everything, I mean everything. If you brush your teeth, it goes on there. I do realize this sounds a bit like overkill, and that is the point. No matter how small a task, it takes time and effort. It needs to be on the list. You NEED to see how many tasks you get done in a day. This exercise can really drive home the point that you are doing plenty of things, maybe even, dare I say, doing enough!
2. Using Affirmations or Intentional Self-Talk
If the thought of affirmations brings Stuart Smalley to mind… you’re in good company. (If you don’t know who that is, you are younger than me!) I am a therapist and it’s still the first thing that comes to mind when I begin discussing affirmations. That’s alright, a good laugh is what we all need!
When using affirmations, you are purposeful in what you are saying to yourself. If intentional self-talk sounds better for you, then use that term. I just want you to pick a phrase that works for you and say it to yourself. The point is to create some balance between the negative self-talk you are likely used to and what you would like to believe. We start making these changes when we change how we talk to ourselves.
There are soooooo many affirmations and mantras you can use. It is important to find one that challenges you, but that you don’t completely disagree with. One of my personal favorites is, “I will respond in a way that I will be proud of later” when I am dealing with difficult situations and/or individuals. I also enjoy “you are doing far better than you give yourself credit for”.
Affirmations/intentional self-talk is best used routinely and often so that you can start to shift your perspective. For example, saying them to yourself every day when you wake up in the morning and before bed works for many people. Try it out at least once a day when you can actually pay attention and let it sink in. Don’t do it when the kids are running around screaming or you are stuck in traffic. You won’t hear it, literally AND figuratively.
3. Working with a Therapist
I don’t suggest this because I’m a therapist, I suggest counseling because it can help. The first two suggestions can be helpful and work for most people, but we are all different.
Finding out where our negative self-talk and narratives come from can make a world of difference. You don’t want to stay stuck in the past, but understanding it can help you in moving forward. Identifying what gets in the way of believing you are doing enough and that you are in fact enough can help.
Therapy can help you to identify what is going on for you and what you need. You are unique and deserve an approach that is as well. Doing the work on your own is awesome, and there are so many helpful tools out there. Counseling can help you go even further.
If you’ve tried therapy before and it didn’t work for you, you aren’t alone. This is the case for many people. Every therapist is different and you aren’t going to like them all. Perhaps the counselor you saw just wasn’t the right fit. That doesn’t mean therapy isn’t for you, it simply means that therapist wasn’t for you. Don’t be discouraged!
Counseling can help, give it a go if you think it might be right for you!
To Sum It Up
The idea that we aren’t doing enough can really take over how we feel and how we live our lives. Whether you are working toward gold in the Exhaustion Olympics or you simply feel this type of thinking will motivate you, you can change. You can step out of the rat race and start talking to yourself in a more positive, effective manner.
Change can be scary, even positive change. Start working toward believing you are doing enough, and even possible that YOU are enough, utilizing skills that work. Already Done lists and affirmations can go a long way. Counseling can help you learn skills that are right for you and process what is getting in your way.
It can be hard to believe you are doing enough. It can be hard to not believe you are doing enough. Choose your hard, my fellow humans. And don’t forget, therapy can help.
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