Relationships can be exciting, fulfilling, and remarkable. Relationships can also be really boring. This may seem contradictory given my first statement, but I would argue that it is honest. If you find yourself in a relationship that is meaningful to you, yet you feel bored, you may be left wondering what is missing. You may even be left wondering if there is something wrong with you. 

Let me be the first to say that you are not alone. Even the healthiest of relationships can feel a bit boring at times. There is nothing wrong with feeling a little bored in your relationship from time to time. Things only become problematic when you stay in that boredom and choose to do nothing about it. 

In this post we will explore some causes of boredom in relationships and how to address it. This is by no means an exhaustive list, and your reasons for feeling bored are likely unique to you and your relationship. This is meant as a jumping off point, or something that can get you thinking and on the road to excitement again. 

Same Old, Same Old

A major reason for boredom in a relationship is if you continue to do the same things over and over. While this is the definition of insanity, it can also build a sense of comfort and tradition. There are some benefits to the “same old” but there are also drawbacks– boredom being one of them. 

If you find that you and your partner go to all the same places, order all the same food, do all the same things… it’s likely that boredom will creep in. Again, there can be some comfort in this repetition. Though if you have read this far I’m assuming there are also some “blah” feelings that accompany that boredom. 

Getting into a rut isn’t uncommon but it can be difficult to get out of. It can be helpful to discuss how you are feeling, though sometimes this can be met with defensiveness. This can be natural, as most people don’t like to hear that their partner is feeling bored. 

This is where “making room for more” can be helpful. You can enjoy traditions with your partner and still want to do new things. You don’t have to discontinue your routinely enjoyable pursuits. You can make space for new experiences while maintaining tried and true activities.

It can be helpful to let your partner know what you enjoy doing, but also suggesting what you might like to try. Allowing space for both can be very successful in spicing things up and enjoying what you have built together. 

Chaotic Relationships in Your Past

You may not have considered this before, or perhaps it doesn’t apply to you. Maybe it’s that this relationship is entirely different than what you are used to. If you have been in chaotic relationships in the past you may find yourself feeling bored in healthier relationships. 

This is not abnormal, it is to be expected. 

When relationships involve chaos and “drama,” they can feel very exciting. They can also feel toxic. One thing is for certain, these relationships don’t leave space for boredom. 

These types of relationships generally place us in the extreme range for most emotions. The highs are far higher than the highs of a healthy relationship just as the lows are far lower. The good things have to be so extreme, otherwise we wouldn’t stay. These chaotic relationships bring excitement, not boredom. They also bring instability rather than stability. 

If this resonates with you it may contribute to the feelings of boredom in your current relationship. This does NOT mean there is anything wrong with you. It also doesn’t mean that you can’t have a healthy relationship. It simply means you may need to process some things from your previous relationship and find ways to feel excited in a healthier relationship. It can be helpful to find the excitement about the stability that you currently have.  This can sometimes be difficult to do on your own, but therapy can help. 

Not Communicating

Communication is tough, even if you’ve been together a long time. I’d argue that it can become more difficult the longer you are with someone. Especially if you slip into, “they should know xyz” type of thinking. 

The longer you are with someone, the more you may expect them to anticipate your needs. When they don’t, it’s not uncommon to pull away, perhaps even feel a bit resentful. While this is common it definitely is not healthy. 

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times. We barely know what we want half the time, so it isn’t fair to expect someone else to know. If you want something, ask for it. 

If you aren’t getting your needs met in your relationship and have said nothing about it, you will likely begin to feel bored at some point. Asking for what you want isn’t always easy, but it is important. If you aren’t communicating with your partner this may be a contributing factor to boredom. 

Start small. Ask for something that feels reasonable, something you are fairly certain your partner will respond to. It’s helpful to have successful experiences as you work on communication, so don’t go for the gusto and ask for a hot button change right off the bat. (Every couple has that sore subject, you know what I’m talking about. Don’t start with that.)

For example, let’s say you miss spending time with your partner. Saying “you never spend time with me” is likely to get a lot of defensiveness and not a lot of quality time. Though if you ask specifically for what you want, it’s more likely you’ll get it. 

Try out something along the lines of, “I love going to the movies with you, want to go this weekend?” Feel free to insert whatever activity fits for you, or change it up all together. Make it work for you. 

To Sum It Up

Relationships can be exciting and they can be boring. If you are feeling bored in your relationship you are certainly NOT alone. 

Boredom can be caused by many different factors. Doing the same thing over and over, having a history of chaos in relationships and not communicating are just a few of the things that may lead to boredom in your relationship. It is important to explore what may be leading to boredom for you. 

Once you have a better understanding of what leads you to feel bored you can make a plan to begin feeling excited about your partner again. Boredom does not indicate doom for your relationship, though complacency may. 

It can be hard to be bored. It can be hard to ask for change. Choose your hard, my fellow humans. And don’t forget, therapy can help. 

Jaime Johnson Fitzpatrick LCMHCS, LCAS is one of the Owners and Vice Presidents of Carolina Counseling Services. She is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor and Licensed Clinical Addictions Specialist in the State of North Carolina as well as a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in State of New York. Jaime is also certified in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and utilizes various other approaches in her practice.