Deciding to go see a therapist can be difficult. Finding the right therapist can be even more challenging. It can take a lot of courage to recognize and accept that you may need some help. Most folks do some research, online or through word of mouth, in order to find the therapist that may be right for them. A lot of effort can be placed into making a selection. But what happens if you start seeing your chosen counselor and…. You don’t like them????
Stop going, therapy isn’t for you. I AM JUST KIDDING. Though if that crossed your mind, you are not alone. Many people find themselves thinking that if they don’t like their therapist, there must be something wrong with them. There isn’t. We don’t like everyone, and everyone won’t like us. It may not be a fun thing to accept, though we know it’s true. Therapists are people too and you will not like every therapist you come into contact with.
There are MANY different therapeutic approaches out there. Research shows that many, if not most, are effective in one way or another. And it may surprise you, but research also tells us the main factor that leads to success in therapy is whether or not you like your therapist. Let that sink in. You are most likely to benefit from therapy if you like your therapist. Sounds simple enough, though how are you supposed to know this ahead of time?
With this in mind, you may be wondering how to find a therapist that you like AND is likely to be a good fit for you. You may not know from the first session whether a therapeutic relationship is going to be a good one, though after the first few you will likely get a feel. The following factors can play a role in finding a provider that is right for you.
Define Some of Your Expectations for Therapy
Notice I said “some” of your expectations, there is a reason for that. Therapy will help you to explore your goals and expectations, so please don’t feel that you have to have it all figured out before you start. That would almost defeat the purpose.
While you may not know exactly what you want, start thinking about what you’d like to see change. Knowing what you would like to tackle can help you in choosing a counselor that has experience in that area. For example, if you want to address a past trauma, you would want a therapist who has experience working in this area and/or specializes in approaches known to work with trauma such as trauma focused CBT or EMDR. There are many approaches that are effective, those are simply a few.
Your goals for therapy can be broad or specific– they are your goals. Having a goal of “feeling better” is perfectly acceptable! Your counselor can help you to unpack what that looks like and explore ways to get there.
Therapy is about you and what you want. If you start to feel that therapy is more about what others want for you, it likely won’t go well. This includes your therapist. Having a counselor that listens to you and helps you with what you want to see change is imperative to getting to where you want to be. Therapy is your time, you want to make it all about you. While that may feel uncomfortable at first, it’s likely to lead to the most change… for the better.
Reach Out to Your Network
Your network can include a variety of resources and people. There is nothing wrong with asking for recommendations from friends or family that have mentioned going to therapy (if you feel comfortable doing so.) They may have some helpful insight on who could be a good fit, or even who may NOT be a good fit. All of this information can be valuable.
It can also be helpful to reach out to your medical providers to see if they have any therapists they would recommend. You may have a massage therapist, personal trainer, coach, instructor, professor, or supervisor whose opinion you value and you feel comfortable discussing therapy with. Ask them! We all have a unique network, use it.
This can also go the other way as well. If you find a therapist that is a good fit for you this can allow you to be a resource to others around you as well. Seeing a therapist is often something we keep to ourselves. This is your right, as your information is yours and yours alone. However, if you feel comfortable sharing about your experience in therapy it could be remarkably helpful to those around you.
Take a Look at Therapist Profiles
Most therapists will have an online presence with a profile on their website or other sites such as PsychologyToday.com. As our world continues to include more digital marketing it can be easier than ever to learn about a therapist’s approaches, philosophies, and experience before meeting them in person.
Once you’ve explored what you would like to address in therapy and possible recommendations from your network, you can do your own research to see who may be a good fit. Take a look at therapists in your area that specialize in what you want to work on, are close to you, and/or accept your insurance. Most therapists are able to see anyone within the state(s) they are licensed in, and since many therapists offer online sessions now, you can expand your pool of professionals to choose from.
Most State licensing boards allow you to verify a provider’s license as well. This can provide an added layer of reassurance if you are apprehensive about starting with a new counselor. This also leads into the next factor.
Don’t Be Afraid to Ask Questions
Ask. Questions. If you have questions, ask them. I grew up hearing over and over; “the only stupid question is the one not asked.” If you are new to therapy you are going to have questions, it is almost always better to ask them rather than speculate or assume.
Ask questions when scheduling, ask questions during your first appointment, ask questions in all your subsequent appointments. If you want clarity you have to ask for clarification.
This can even apply to your therapist’s licensing and credentials. In the world of counseling there are A LOT of acronyms after our names. It’s alright to ask your therapist what they mean. If I’m going in for surgery you better believe I’m going to ask the surgeon how many times he’s done this. The same goes for therapy. Don’t be afraid to ask questions.
A small caveat to this is to ask professional questions. Your counselor is a human and of course you will be curious about them, but therapy is about you. Most therapists will self-disclose as appropriate but will not answer many personal questions. Their personal life isn’t necessarily relevant to your process and could negatively shift focus. Don’t take it personally if your therapist doesn’t want to answer personal questions, though if they are evasive about professional questions such as licensure and credentials, that may be cause for concern.
Be Open to the Process
Therapy can be uncomfortable sometimes. It isn’t the type of process where you go a couple of times and everything is magically better. In all honesty, sometimes things may get worse before they get better. If you are motivated and with the right therapist, things will start to turn around. They will simply take time.
Counseling isn’t something that happens to you. You get what you put into it. I do NOT say this to imply that if you aren’t seeing improvements then it’s your fault. But therapy is work. When you are with the right provider and putting in the effort, you will start to see the fruits of your labor. It is a process, it will not happen overnight.
Your first session will likely be a lot of information gathering. Therapists are not there to give you advice or tell you what to do. They will likely give you feedback, suggestions and skills that can help you work through what is in your way, be it life challenges, symptoms, loss, trauma or anything else. Before they can do that, they will need to get a picture of what things currently look like for you and where you have been.
Be open to the process, see where it takes you. I bet it will be where you want to be.
Be Open to Other Options
So far I’ve mentioned a lot about how to find a therapist and what to put into the process. What if you do all this and you still feel like it isn’t a good match?
There’s no set amount of time you have to stay with a therapist. If you feel like a provider isn’t right for you it’s okay to ask for a transfer or find another therapist you’d like to try out. Therapy is about you and most therapists (myself included) are really proud of clients for advocating for themselves.
No therapist is right for everyone. Even if you go to see a highly regarded therapist, that’s no guarantee they will be the one for you. We need different things at different times also. You may find that a therapist that worked well for you no longer does after a while, and that is okay. You may transfer and years later want to go back to the original therapist, that’s okay too. Advocate for yourself and be open to other options if that’s what you need.
To Sum It Up
Not every therapist will be right for you. Identify some of your goals, ask your network, do your homework, and be open. This will help you in finding a therapist, though this is no guarantee that they will be the right one for you and that is okay.
If you want to see another therapist there are many ways to do this. You can discuss this with your current therapist and ask for recommendations. Finding a new therapist on your own and letting your current therapist know you will be discontinuing treatment is also an option. This discussion alone can help you to grow.
If your therapist isn’t right for you, it doesn’t mean that therapy isn’t right for you. Continue to advocate for yourself and strive for a better fit. It can be hard to try a new counselor. It can be hard to stay with a counselor you feel isn’t right for you. Choose your hard, my fellow humans. And don’t forget, therapy can help.
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