We have probably all heard this phrase multiple times, whether it was in a song, a TV show, from a friend, family member, etc. Whether or not you have heard it before, the sentiment rings true. However, it can sometimes be difficult to believe and even harder to put into practice.
I believe this sentiment is remarkably important, even more so as we enter the holiday season. Why, you may ask? Because this is a time when you’re SUPPOSED to be okay, jolly even. If there’s any season that encourages one to put on a happy face, we are headed into it.
Let’s explore the idea of not being okay and why it’s so important to make that okay.
Why It’s Okay Not to Be Okay
First: You are human.
I don’t want to state the obvious, though I feel I must reiterate that no one is doing great all the time. No matter who you are, no matter what level of wellness you have achieved, you will still have bad days. You will struggle from time to time. That is part of the human condition. That alone makes it okay not to be okay.
Second: Pretending to be Okay Prevents Growth
When you pretend that you are alright, you can’t address the reasons that you may not be okay. If you are feeling depressed, anxious, confused, scared, or irritable, you will never get to the root of what is going on if you pretend that you aren’t feeling that way.
If you are “okay” you don’t need to do anything different. You don’t need help. You for sure don’t need to make any positive changes for yourself. By lying to yourself (and others,) you rob yourself of the opportunity to grow and maybe even begin to feel better.
Sure, change is hard, though it can lead to wonderful things. By delaying this you can actually make yourself feel worse. Worsening how you feel or your situation will not get you where you want to be.
Third: Being Honest About Not Being Okay Can Help Others.
This reason is important. I say it because often we are motivated to pretend to be okay for the benefit of others. We rarely consider that by “pretending” we may actually be hurting not only ourselves, but others as well.
Those close to us likely don’t want to see us suffer, however, they may use us as a comparison. They may look at how you are doing, accomplishing, and functioning as a measuring stick, trying to measure up and be as “good” as you are. If you are familiar with comparison, you know it’s rarely healthy or realistic. You may be helping someone to set unrealistic expectations or goals for themselves.
By being honest and authentic about how you are doing you may inspire others around you to do the same, allowing them to grow and get the help they need.
I am NOT suggesting that you broadcast the state of your mental wellness to anyone that will listen. I am suggesting that being honest with yourself and those you are close to can not only help you, but also those you may never know were struggling.
If you’ve been pretending to be okay it’s likely you know others who have been as well.
Okay, I’m Not Okay. Now What?
Don’t Fake It Until You Make It
It may seem strange that I started off a list of things you can do with something you don’t want to do. My reasoning is that I hear it ALL THE TIME! This suggestion frustrates me as a professional and also as a human being.
Fake it til you make it does NOT work when it comes to emotional wellbeing. Behaviors or new hobbies, maybe, NOT your mental health. You can pretend that you are good at knitting until you become skilled and likely not suffer any ill effects. Pretending you aren’t depressed and thinking that will treat depression is a recipe for disaster.
Research has actually shown that pretending all is well when it is not can actually make depressive symptoms worse.
Why, you may ask? There are many reasons! It keeps you from getting the help you need, sets up an unhealthy narrative of “why don’t I actually feel okay, what’s wrong with me” AND may push you into a place of overcorrection. You spend the whole day with a face on, it’s likely you will go home and crash. It’s almost like having an emotional hangover. Long story short, don’t fake it ‘til you make it!
Start Talking
If you aren’t okay, don’t keep that inside. It’s important that you reach out and connect. Talk about how you are feeling and about your experience with someone you trust.
This goes back to NOT suggesting you broadcast your wellness to all the world, unless you really want to and that’s actually healing for you. In most cases doing this doesn’t yield the best results. It’s a lot of inauthentic connection, false intimacy and opening yourself up to hurtful criticism that rarely leads to positive growth. But I digress.
While it is important that you are honest about how you are feeling, you get to decide who you share this information with. I suggest starting with individuals you suspect will be supportive. If you can’t think of anyone you know personally, that’s okay! Talking with a therapist can be a great option, as they are trained professionals that can listen and help with the added bonus of confidentiality.
The important thing is that you begin to voice your feelings and concerns with someone who can listen and provide support. When we give a voice to our experience we often find it has less of a hold over us. It is validating to give our feelings and experience a voice. This can often begin the healing process.
When we aren’t “okay” our inner dialogue often tells us things like “you are alone,” “no one cares,” and “you are the only one who feels this way.” Pretending to be okay perpetuates these thoughts and beliefs. Sharing our experience validates our feelings and experience and doesn’t allow this type of thinking to continue to thrive.
Don’t Marinate In It
This may sound like a contradiction to what I have been saying, though I assure you it is not. You want to acknowledge when you aren’t okay, you want to address it, talk about it, process it, however, you don’t want to marinate in it.
How you are feeling must be acknowledged. It is important to acknowledge negative feelings, thoughts, beliefs etc. You don’t want to avoid them or cover them up with toxic positivity and you don’t want to spend all your time with them.
It may be difficult at first to set boundaries with this, especially if you have avoided your true feelings and experience for quite some time. Let yourself feel your feelings and engage in other things as well.
I have said for MANY years, we have to make room for “and.” It’s a small word, and a very powerful one. There is space for not being okay and for being okay. Acknowledge the negative thoughts, feelings, experiences, etc. and also allow space for the positive ones as well. I am NOT suggesting that you tap dance on over to the realm of toxic positivity. I am suggesting that you acknowledge ALL thoughts, feelings and experiences with equal weight. More on that to come in later posts.
To Sum It Up
It’s okay not to be okay. It isn’t okay to ignore how you feel. Pretending to be okay when you aren’t can cause a variety of problems for you and those around you. Research shows that it can actually make mental health symptoms worse if you “fake it til you make it”.
Don’t fake it til you make it, my fellow humans. Talk to someone you can trust, as you deserve support. You deserve to be honest with yourself and others about your true experience. Also, be sure to limit how much time you spend with negative thoughts and feelings.
It can be hard to pretend. It can be hard to be honest. Choose your hard, my fellow humans. And don’t forget, therapy can help.
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