The holidays can be chock full of joy, and also full of expectations. These can range from our expectations for ourselves, others, the season, you name it. Unfortunately, most of these expectations fall into the unreasonable category.
Maybe you are someone who is used to having unreasonable or “high expectations,” as you may prefer to refer to them. To you, the idea of making expectations more realistic might sound like you are being asked to lower your expectations. I would also bet that this translates to the idea that you “should” have low expectations, which probably leaves you feeling itchy. Ask me how I know?
Let’s take a look at the various types of expectations we can have over the holidays and explore ways to cope more effectively!
Expectation: Everyone (including you) will be Holly Jolly.
‘Tis the season for joy, or so they say. This time of year, we often expect to be happy all the time, or even full of joy. It’s likely you expect this of yourself and maybe even those around you. Others may expect it from you. Regardless of where the expectation lies, I think we can all agree that it is unreasonable.
No one is happy ALL the time. This is true for any time of the year, and especially the holiday season. The holidays are NOT joyful for everyone. The season can actually be a season of sadness for many.
Not only are the days becoming shorter and darker, the holidays can be a painful reminder of what (or who) we may have lost. If the holidays are not your favorite time of the year, that is okay. If you love the holidays and still find yourself struggling to be “jolly,” that is also okay. What is not okay is guilting yourself for having feelings.
If you’ve read my most recent post you will also know that I do NOT recommend fake it ‘til you make it. Pretending you’re happy will not help you to enjoy the season more. It’s actually likely it will make it worse.
Try This Instead…..
We know fake it ‘til you make it is not a viable option, so you are likely wondering what you can do if your expectations of a holly jolly holiday are falling short. There are a variety of things you can do, though here are some suggestions.
One: Validate how you’re feeling.
It may sound simple, but giving yourself permission to feel your feelings can actually lead to them having less of a hold over you. When we place guilt on ourselves for not being happy, it often makes us even more unhappy. We likely try to argue the case for why we have a right to be sad. You end up proving a case you don’t want to win. If you are sad this holiday season, try telling yourself that it’s okay to be sad. This validation may actually decrease the intensity of your sadness, so give it a go!
Two: Talk about it with someone you trust.
Voicing how you are feeling can be VERY powerful. Sharing your experience also gives you the opportunity to hear how others are feeling, and you may be surprised to learn that you are not alone in your experience. I stress talking to someone you trust for many reasons, one of which is that you don’t want to turn to someone that you KNOW will not be supportive. We don’t want to live in an echo chamber, though if you have someone close to you that will simply tell you to “just be happy,” they probably aren’t the best person to go to about this particular concern. And if you can’t think of someone you know personally, consider that a therapist may be just what you are looking for.
Three: Do something that brings you joy this holiday season.
There are both stereotypical holiday activities as well as non-traditional ones. Make the season your own and do something that you really enjoy. It does not have to be holiday themed per se, though I would argue if it’s something that you are doing over the holidays, then it’s a holiday activity! Be true to yourself and create a tradition that makes you feel merry and bright. The world is your oyster this holiday season, so if you want to eat pizza while watching Halloween movies, do it. If it brings you happiness, it can be your new holiday tradition.
Expectation: You, and everyone you know, has a money tree.
Many holiday expectations center around gifts and giving. This is often an unhealthy and unrealistic holiday expectation. You don’t have to go bankrupt to show those you love that you care. While you may know this to be true, it likely doesn’t take the pressure off.
We have no control over the expectations of others, though we do have control over our own expectations. Taking a good look at your financial expectations of yourself and others this time of year can give you a better idea of whether this expectation is impacting the way you experience the holidays. You may already know this impacts how you feel. Either way, you aren’t alone if spending expectations are raining on your holiday parade.
Try This Instead…..
Set Your Own Expectations
When you are taking inventory of your current expectations, begin thinking about what you would like your expectations to be. As I mentioned, you have no control over the expectations of others but you do over your own. Decide what feels good for you and start thinking about that. Your expectations are just that: your own. Decide how much you feel comfortable spending and go forward confident that it’s the right answer for you. It will likely take practice, though it will also likely relieve some pressure.
Set Some Limits With Those Close to You
You may already have healthy expectations for spending around the holidays, while still feeling external pressure to spend more. It can be helpful to talk about this and discuss setting a spending limit with those close to you. Now you may be laughing out loud right now if you have family or friends that would be less than receptive to this. However I would argue that this may make the conversation even more important. It is also up to you whether you share these limits with others. You can set a spending limit with others without ever having to discuss it with them, you can simply set the budget for yourself and stick to it. You may also find that there is a collective sigh of relief if you ask those close to you to set a spending limit. It is up to you how you approach this and whether it will work for you and yours.
Improve Your Self-Talk
How are you talking to yourself when it comes to holiday expenses? This will play A LOT into how you are feeling. If you tell yourself you should spend $100 on each family member and that is in no way aligned with your budget, you are setting yourself up for failure and worry. There are no hard and fast gift-giving rules, and you get to decide what works for you. If you place shame and guilt on yourself, no amount will ever be enough. Improve the way you speak to yourself surrounding financial expectations, as well as all other expectations. This sounds simple, though it can actually be quite difficult. We never realize how much we talk down to ourselves until we start trying to fix it. You aren’t alone in this experience. If you are struggling to improve your self-talk, counseling can help.
Expectation: There are 26 hours in a day.
For most of us, our everyday lives are pretty busy. Then the holiday season arrives and we all magically have 26 hours in the day, right? Wrong!!!!
I cannot stress enough how important it is to be realistic with your time. You cannot give all your time to others and expect to have anything left for yourself. Many of us lose ourselves during the holiday season, though it doesn’t have to be that way.
Likewise, you do not have to do all the holiday activities. It sometimes seems like there are activities almost every day of the month, and you may feel like you “need” to do it all. This is only going to exhaust you. Be selective in choosing activities that will fuel and fulfill you.
There are many exciting things that happen around the holidays and whether you want to partake in everything, nothing or fall somewhere in between, there are only so many hours in the day and you are one human.
Try This Instead….
Make a Schedule
I know, *snore.* Making a schedule is not always the most fun thing to do, however it can be remarkably helpful. This can help you take a look at what you have to do as well as what you want to do. A schedule can also help you to evaluate how realistic your expectations are. If you are scheduling yourself like you have 26 hours a day, stop. This will not end well. Create a schedule so that you can stay on top of things and prioritize what makes it onto your calendar.
Schedule Time for Self-Care
Speaking of doing what you want to do, add some “me time” into that schedule as well. The holidays are busy, which may leave you putting your own needs on the back burner to make time and space for others. While it is okay to do this from time to time, it can’t be a consistent pattern. Putting off taking care of yourself is NOT sustainable. Make sure to schedule time for basic needs like sleep and meals as well as activities that leave you feeling recharged. This can be anything from an afternoon nap to sitting alone in your car for five minutes. Self-care is not only pampering– it can be but it is so much more (or less!) than that. See my post about practicing practical self-care for more ideas!
Say No.
How can a two letter word be so difficult to say? Saying no can be really hard, and maybe even harder during the holidays when you are feeling the weight of unrealistic expectations. You are only one person, and you cannot do it all. Saying no is a valuable skill and it takes practice. Start this holiday season. Every time you say yes to something you don’t want to do, you are saying no to yourself. It’s likely you are very skilled at saying no, just to the wrong person. Start saying no this holiday season and you may find it’s a little more enjoyable.
To Sum it Up
The holidays can be wonderful and they can be difficult. You can enjoy the holidays and you can feel challenged by them. Unrealistic expectations run rampant during this season, however, they don’t have to control you or your experience.
Take a look at the expectations that may be impacting how you feel this season. You cannot control the expectations of others, but you can control yours! Take charge and take stock of the expectations that aren’t working for you.
It can be hard to have or be held to unrealistic expectations. It can be hard to change your expectations. Choose your hard, my fellow humans. And don’t forget, therapy can help.
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