It can be really difficult to feel good enough. Comparing yourself to others certainly doesn’t make it any easier. Though we may know that comparison doesn’t tend to lead us anywhere good, it can be really difficult to stop. 

You may be wondering how you will know if you are doing things right or if you are measuring up if you don’t compare. That is a very valid question. There are healthy ways to use comparison and there are rather unhealthy ways. Unfortunately, most of us resort to more unhealthy means. 

Here we will focus on the motivations of comparison as well as how to keep things in healthy territory. 

Why Do We Compare?

Comparison is almost ingrained in us. From the time we are small there are goals to meet and expectations associated with growing up. Children are expected to meet certain milestones and you better believe there is comparison there! 

We are set up to compare and to use this as a way to measure whether we are “doing it right” or if we are “good enough.” It can even give us a sense of relief from time to time to confirm that we are at or above average in something. 

It is next to impossible to NEVER use comparison, though it is important to explore the motivation behind it. For many of us, we compare to see if we are doing enough or whether perhaps we need to try harder. 

Unhealthy Comparison

The vast majority of comparison is unhealthy. This isn’t necessarily something we chose to do, however, we tend to find ourselves comparing ourselves to others in ways that leaves us feeling less than. This is what many refer to as unfavorable comparison. 

Unfavorable comparison happens when we compare our shortcomings to others’ successes. We don’t tend to look at others as a whole when comparing. Rather, we look at ways in which others have succeeded and hold that up to our own failures. 

For example, let’s say you want to learn a new skill. Many will compare their skill level to that of others who have been practicing for years, maybe even their instructor or trainer. While we may know this is completely unreasonable, it’s likely you still fall into this type of thinking from time to time. 

What To Do About Unfavorable Comparison

First off, it’s helpful to know when you are doing it. This can be difficult, though if you find yourself comparing and you feel bad about it, it’s likely that you are stuck in an unhealthy or unfavorable comparison. 

You get to choose how you speak to yourself and the standards you hold yourself to. While you may know this, it’s difficult to put into practice. Challenging thinking that doesn’t work for you can be really effective. 

Once you begin to call yourself out on unfavorable thinking, you can reframe and replace those beliefs. If this sounds simple yet complicated you’re right. Therapy can help, particularly Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). 

Healthy Comparison

Comparison can be healthy, but it can be difficult to get there. This is often not our default way of thinking. When we use comparison to inspire gratitude for what we already have or can do, it can be helpful. However, it could often come off as putting others down or encouraging “better than” thinking. The goal is to positively reframe your current situation. 

When we see how others may be suffering it can put our own into perspective. This is NOT to be confused with minimizing your own experience. No matter who you are, there will always be others who are doing “better” than you as well as those that may be experiencing more adversity than you. It is important to validate your own experiences while acknowledging that you may be doing better than you had previously thought. This can be a healthy comparison. 

It can also be healthy to compare your progress to where you were previously. This is where the statement “you are only in competition with yourself” comes from. We can use this to gauge our progress in a healthy manner, as long as we are being realistic.

To Sum It Up

Comparison is a natural part of being human, though it isn’t always healthy. It is up to you to strive to only use it in a positive way. 

While you may naturally compare yourself to others in mostly unfavorable ways, you don’t have to stay in this loop. You have the ability to change the way you think. Counseling can help. 

It can be hard to cope with the disappointment that comparison brings. It can be hard to stop comparing yourself to others.  Choose your hard, my fellow humans. And don’t forget, therapy can help. 

Jaime Johnson Fitzpatrick LCMHCS, LCAS is one of the Owners and Vice Presidents of Carolina Counseling Services. She is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor and Licensed Clinical Addictions Specialist in the State of North Carolina as well as a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in State of New York. Jaime is also certified in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and utilizes various other approaches in her practice.