Setting boundaries is challenging for a lot of people. There are a lot of reasons for this. Even when we want to say no and set limits, it can be difficult to put our plan into action.

A major reason many of us shy away from setting boundaries is that they can sometimes feel like punishment. No matter who you are, being told no doesn’t feel amazing. We know we need to hear it sometimes,  but that doesn’t mean we want to. Let’s dive in. 

What are Boundaries?

Boundaries are a great way to set guidelines for how we would like to be treated. They are unique to each person, though there are many boundaries that people have in common. Many times people follow these shared boundaries without having to be reminded, like wearing pants in public and staying in your own lane while driving. 

These limits can be emotional and they can be physical. When we have healthy boundaries we are able to say no when we would like to. Notice I said we are able to, not that it’s easy or that it feels great all the time. Saying no isn’t always easy and it doesn’t always feel good, but that doesn’t mean those boundaries aren’t worth setting. 

The concerns start to pile up when we feel like our limits are being violated or our expectations aren’t being met. That’s when we need to ask for change and set boundaries. It’s natural to feel frustrated if your limits are being violated. You may even want to punish those that push your boundaries, however, that doesn’t make setting or enforcing them a punishment. 

Boundaries are also flexible. They are a whole lot healthier than having walls up with others. When we have walls it doesn’t matter what people do, they stay on the outside, whether they are trustworthy or not. Boundaries can either allow people in, or not. 

The reality is, we can’t trust everyone with everything. The alternative is also true, it is unhealthy to never trust anyone with anything.. Boundaries allow us to let others in as we feel comfortable and foster healthy connection. 

Why Set Boundaries?

Setting boundaries is essential for the health and longevity of your relationships. They keep everyone safe! Boundaries decide what we will and will not accept in our relationships. They also allow us to safely open up and connect with others. 

While limits might not be easy to set, you will likely be grateful that you did. Healthy relationships have healthy boundaries. Of course, there is a need for flexibility in boundary setting, and therein lies the beauty of boundaries versus walls. 

When we put up walls, it doesn’t matter what people do, they stay on the outside, whether they are trustworthy or not. Boundaries allow people in, or they don’t. It is up to you, you have control over your boundaries and limits. You can let in those that feel safe and supportive.

Boundaries Aren’t Punishment

I will say it again for those in the back. Boundaries aren’t punishment. This can be confusing due to the fact we generally set boundaries when we are frustrated. Frustration and anger are powerful, motivating feelings. Due to this, many of us wait until we feel them to set a boundary. 

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Anger isn’t inherently bad, it’s what we do with anger that determines whether it’s positive or negative. If you use your emotions to set healthy limits and boundaries with others, I would say that’s a rather good thing. 

Regardless of the motivation, healthy boundaries are a good idea. They foster safety and health in relationships. They keep you in control. Sounds pretty great huh?

To Sum It Up

Boundaries aren’t punishment. By setting them, you take control over how you want to be treated and what you will allow in your life. You deserve to have healthy relationships, and setting boundaries is a large part of this. 

Saying no and setting limits can be scary, you aren’t alone if you find setting them to be difficult. Working with a therapist can make setting boundaries a lot easier. 

It can be hard to set boundaries. It can be hard to not set boundaries. Choose your hard, my fellow humans. And don’t forget, therapy can help. 

Jaime Johnson Fitzpatrick LCMHCS, LCAS is one of the Owners and Vice Presidents of Carolina Counseling Services. She is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor and Licensed Clinical Addictions Specialist in the State of North Carolina as well as a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in State of New York. Jaime is also certified in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and utilizes various other approaches in her practice.