Setting boundaries is so important, but that doesn’t make it easy. In fact, setting boundaries with people in our lives can be so anxiety provoking that many avoid doing it all together. There can be a lot of confusion when it comes to setting limits and it can be even more complicated when it comes to maintaining boundaries. 

It can feel easier to say no to someone we aren’t close to, or even someone we have no relationship with. Some find they have no problem setting limits at work, but in their personal lives it’s a whole other story and vice versa. This is common and I would even argue a good thing!

If you possess the ability to say no and set limits in one life area you can certainly do it in another! But what happens when you set a boundary, successfully? Oftentimes the next step is maintaining that boundary. Sometimes doing so can feel like avoidance. Let’s dig in and explore some of the differences between avoidance and maintaining boundaries. 

What is Avoidance? 

Avoidance is defined officially as “an act of emptying, vacating or clearing away. Outlet. An act or practice of avoiding or withdrawing from something”. Now that can sound liberating, however, it isn’t always healthy for us to do. 

If you are avoiding something that needs to be addressed you could be setting yourself up for more difficulty in the long run. While most things that we want to avoid can be difficult to face initially and may even require more work up front, we are often glad we faced them head on in the future.  

Unfortunately, avoidance can feel like it works! Here are some examples: 

  • If you put off a difficult conversation with your partner you don’t have to feel the anxiety that these conversations can cause
  • When you don’t ask your friend if they are upset with you for canceling plans you don’t have to apologize or make change
  • Not sharing your opinions with others means you don’t have to worry about their judgment 

When we avoid uncomfortable things we don’t have to feel uncomfortable…. Yet. 

Why Doesn’t Avoidance Work?

Avoidance is not a boundary. There are a lot of reasons that avoidance doesn’t truly work in the long run. 

  1. Avoidance doesn’t solve anything. When we avoid problems they certainly don’t go away, they wait. Sometimes they even fester. Addressing problems sooner rather than later is often best. 
  2. Avoidance increases anxiety. We often avoid things because they are scary. Not having to do something scary feels good and so we begin a vicious cycle. If you don’t do the scary thing you never get to see that it’s not all that scary after all. Anxiety tells us that non-threatening things are threatening. We need to do the things to build different connections. Avoidance makes it so these connections are not created and we feel more and more anxious. 
  3. Avoidances prevents growth. We grow through adversity. This is how we learn new skills and become more effective in our everyday lives. 
  4. Avoidance can leave you feeling alone. When we avoid things we limit our engagement with those around us and opportunities. It can feel like your circle is getting smaller and smaller when you avoid things that create discomfort. Get comfortable with the uncomfortable. 
  5. Avoidance can strain your relationships. It can be really difficult to feel connected to someone who avoids all things difficult. This can lead to resentment, frustration and a whole lot of other awful feelings. 
  6. Avoidance can impact your mental health and even your physical health. When we chronically avoid, we can feel increasingly more anxious and depressed. It’s likely you’ll avoid taking care of your physical and mental needs as well. 

Maintaining Boundaries

Now, you are probably wondering how in the world avoidance can be related to maintaining boundaries. I promise, I’m going somewhere with this!

Sometimes, maintaining boundaries can feel like avoidance when it in reality is NOT! 

Boundaries are meant to protect you from unhealthy things. Sometimes this involves ending relationships or not engaging. This can look and feel like avoidance at times. 

Choosing not to engage is a conscious choice and often comes after a difficult conversation or decision to set a boundary. For example, if you address concerns with your partner and let them know you will not continue conversations when there is yelling you will then have to end conversations when this happens. This is maintaining a boundary NOT avoidance. 

Like many things, the difference can be seen when it comes to intentions. If you are making a choice to not engage after setting a limit with someone this is not avoidance, it is maintaining a boundary. 

If someone in your life continues to ask you invasive questions that you have told them you will not answer, not responding is not avoidance. 

These examples can seem clear cut, unfortunately relationships and boundary setting rarely feel so simple. 

How Can You Set and Maintain Healthy Boundaries? 

This can feel like a million dollar question. There are a lot of effective ways to set and keep boundaries, however, they can be difficult to put into practice. Therapy can help. 

Being stuck in a cycle of avoidance can be hard. Setting and maintaining boundaries can be hard. Choose your hard, my fellow human, and remember…. Therapy can help. 

Carolina Counseling Services contracts with skilled licensed therapists and psychiatric professionals that can help you learn how to set and maintain boundaries that work for you. Reach out to CCS now to get started!