If I had a dime for every time a client told me they felt like they were wasting my time, I would be a rich woman. It is time for some real talk this month. If you have ever found yourself wondering if you are wasting the time of your therapist or someone close to you, this one’s for you.
While this is a common question, it can also be a complicated one. If you find yourself asking this, or wanting to ask this, you certainly aren’t alone. There are a variety of reasons we may feel as if we are wasting others’ time when we share our feelings, goals, or desires. Arguably, it is most important that you uncover your personal reasons, though there are some common ones we will explore here as well as what you may choose to do about them.
Fear of Taking Up Space
Depending on your upbringing or messages you have received throughout your life, you may have been encouraged to stay small. I often refer to this as “not taking up space.” This space can be literal or figurative.
We can be encouraged to literally take up less space in the sense of not “bothering” others and limiting time spent “imposing” on those around us. Now, I love a good boundary. However, too much of a good thing doesn’t always turn out so well. If you are isolating from others or maintaining rigid physical boundaries so as not to “impose,” you may be left feeling alone and unsettled.
When we emotionally avoid taking up space we keep a lot of things to ourselves that might be better if brought out into the open. We keep our feelings, goals, needs, or wants to ourselves.. Never voicing these things can cause a great deal of trouble for us. The longer you do this, the harder it is to begin to take up space. Even in therapy, where this may be an expectation!
When we are afraid to take up space we can begin to see ourselves as a burden. We may feel as if we are “too much and need to keep parts of ourselves hidden. It is likely you will begin to feel as if you are wasting others’ time simply by existing.
What Can You Do?
The simple answer is to take up more space. This is often easier said than done. Like most changes, starting small and building from that is often most effective.
Begin by exploring where you make yourself small, or where you hold back. Once you have identified this you can choose small, digestible ways to begin taking up more space in a way that feels comfortable to you.
For example, let’s say it is hard for you to reach out for support when you are feeling alone. Make a commitment to text someone close to you when you are experiencing loneliness. What can make this more digestible is that you don’t have to send a whole long monologue on loneliness. You can simply text a person of your choosing and ask how they are doing, send a meme, or tell a story. Just check in. Any text will begin to create some connection and open the door to taking up space.
As you build comfort with small steps, you can work up to allowing yourself to take up space and receive the support you deserve. You don’t have to make yourself small, though it can be difficult to break these patterns.
You Have Been Told You’re “Too Much”
This is a BIG one. People can say and imply some hurtful things. If you have been told you are “too much” it’s likely you feel that you need to be less. Less emotional, less driven, less open, less present, less everything.
The person that often says the most hurtful things is you. I am not saying that others can’t be hurtful– they certainly can be. Though more often than not we say far more cruel things to ourselves than others ever could. We even say these things to ourselves on a more frequent basis.
Even if someone told you you were too much, it’s likely you then repeat that to yourself over and over, further reinforcing that belief.
While negative self-talk isn’t great, it is far easier to change than the beliefs of others. We have no control over what others think, say, or do. We have full control over ourselves, though. So, long story short, if you are telling yourself you are too much that is a good thing. We can work on that!
What Can You Do?
Be more. I feel compelled to tell you to “be too much,” though that may not be helpful. If we are coming from a place of lessening ourselves, jumping into “too much” territory can be frightening and possibly even unhealthy. The reality is we can spend too much time stuck in our emotions, we can be too focused, we can do things to the extreme that are healthy in smaller doses but problematic in large ones.
While finding a healthy balance can be important, it isn’t a reflection on who we are as a person. If I don’t handle my emotions as well as I would like to, that doesn’t mean I’m too much. It doesn’t mean I’m a bad person, it simply means I am human. I can choose to do better and so can you. This isn’t a reason for me to make my feelings small, to hold them in and not share how I feel. Allowing space to work on doing this more and in healthier ways is how we get to where we want to be.
Take up space, allow yourself to be more.
Well, Am I Wasting My Therapist’s Time?
Congratulations, you have read this far and I still haven’t answered my opening question. The short answer is no. You are NOT wasting your therapist’s time.
I realize that is a blanket statement, however, I can say with certainty if you are in therapy and are motivated to make change you are NOT wasting anyone’s time. I do encourage you to bring up this concern though.
Therapy can be an amazing place to process your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs. If you feel you are wasting your therapist’s time, therapy is the perfect place to explore that.
To be quite honest, the sessions where folks tell me they may not have as much to talk about that week or that they worry they are wasting my time, are often the most productive. Take it from this therapist, you aren’t wasting my time.
To Sum It Up
If you worry that you are wasting your therapist’s time, or the time of anyone close to you by simply existing, you aren’t alone. We are often taught to make ourselves smaller and take up less space.
These unhealthy messages can come from a lot of places, your own self-talk included! I encourage you to begin to take up more space, allow yourself to be more. You deserve to have feelings, needs, desires, and wants. You also deserve to have support and to take up space in the world. You are more.
It can be hard to take up space. It can be hard to make yourself small. Choose your hard, my fellow humans. And don’t forget, therapy can help.
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